The Masquerade Ball Is Over…The Guest Is Set Free!

 All the guests go home. How many will remove their mask?

For years I prided myself with how open I was. Never leaning to the fake show that I so disdain. No one really wondered how I felt at any given moment. My feelings were worn on my sleeve, so to speak. With me, you got what you got and if you didn’t like it – well, that was just too bad.

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Oh no, not me.  I wore no mask. Not a removable mask at least.

My mask was more of the permanent kind, yet a mask just the same.

 

 

My mask was sealed upon my being with hurt, pain, and bitterness. It covered my heart and allowed no glimmer of pain to show. The daily hurts came out. They flowed like a canal actually. I held nothing back. Or so I thought.

This last year, especially within the last few months, I have learned that all these years I was so wrong. I haven’t been walking around being fake with anyone, yet the true me was not making an appearance.

I painfully held back from letting anyone know that I was raped when I was 17…

in my own home, in my own bed…

I was so ashamed.

A family member was intoxicated, a man knocked on our door, and the family member answered. They let the person in and unknowingly led them to my bedroom. The family member knocked on my door, the person barged their way into my room, and my family member stumbled back to bed. I was then held down and raped.

One moment I was safe and asleep in bed. The next moment I was being attacked by someone who had just been let into our home.

Why? Why was he let in? Didn’t they know he was going to hurt me?

I find it so difficult to explain the shame I felt at that very moment. It was more unbearable than the fear of the actual event happening. The feeling of being so unimportant to my family member was devastating.

When he finished he calmly dressed and walked out of my bedroom and out of our home. I was left in my room more alone than I had ever been before.

Lies from the devil shouted to me of how unlovable I must be, that I deserved this, it was my fault…

It was in my OWN bedroom after all!!!

My mask became my very own tough and hard exterior. Nothing was going to hurt me again. All my life I had cared. I cared about my family. I was the first to send out holiday cards. I was the first to arrive at gatherings. I cared. Well, now I was done. It seemed no one ever cared about me. Now I would be the one who did not care.

For years to come I proved a master of the hardened heart. Life became all about me. I also became very promiscuous. It didn’t matter anymore. For all those who are wondering – No, I wasn’t a virgin when I was raped.

That doesn’t matter though. I wasn’t living as God wanted me to live, but does that mean it was my fault? There was no room in my heart to truly care for anyone else.

Until, I had my children. When they entered into this world my heart softened enough for God to begin His molding process.

I am ‘Mary’! I am the Accused. I am the fallen and contrite. The dirtiest of all. I became silent. Isn’t that just who Jesus came to die for? The lowest of the low? I am the unforgiving and the prisoner. YES!

Jo Ann Fore

I feel like the Man In The Iron Mask that has finally been set free. My heart is no longer locked inside a cavern or solid rock and my mouth is no longer sealed shut.

The rape and after-affects is not who I am. It’s what was done to me. I did not deserve it.

I am a very lovable person.

I am God’s called & chosen.

I have a great Destiny and Purpose in life.

Yes! Yes! Yes – I am all of it…

The masquerade is over. The real me is here to stay. I smile. I cry. I sometimes yell and then apologize. I forgive. I morn. I love. I love. I love! I am the real me and all because of what Jesus has done in my heart. It was not my doing at all. I only need to be a willing vessel for change.

He loves you too and wants to meet you right where you are at. There is a book I am so in love with right now, that may help you walk through some of your own hurts and pain.

It’s very appropriately called, When A Woman Finds Her Voice. You may find tears streaming, but these tears are so healing. Jo Ann leads you through pain in the way a woman needs… With her heart.  You can find her at JoAnnFore.com.

 

About Bobbi Raffin

I help people start & grow their own businesses. Whether you are a complete newbie or a Solo-Entrepreneur you can become a Happy Camper while working at home. I offer some helpful tips for getting your business going. You don't have to know it all to start ~ You just have to Start! My husband & I also talk about Marriage and Blended Family issues while walking in faith. It all blends together in this life. Be sure to sign up for our Newsletter, The aNews Subscription so you are sure to get all of our updates. I'll be offering some fantastic eBooks ~ so don't miss them. Make this day the Best Day Ever...

  • You are beautiful. You are pure. You are redeemed. And you have a voice that sings beauty like a canary. I am honored to call you friend.

  • Thank you so very much, Jo Ann!! I feel the very same way about you…and I cannot wait until one day when we can actually meet in person. <3

  • beautiful. Yes, what satan means for evil God turns around for the Good. Giving God the glory makes him sorry he ever messed with you. I commend you for your courage to turn you pain into purpose to be use to set many other women free.

  • Hi MaryJane ~ Thank you… Your sweet comment means so much to me!

  • Michelle Soto

    Do you hear me? Can you hear me shouting and cheering you on my friend????
    Tears of rejoicing as I read….for you, for that young girl, for confronting the mask of “I speak my mind because I’m tough” and I don’t care what you think!. Oh, how I celebrate with you right now!
    Another Daughter set free!! Thank you Jesus!
    Never met you but I love you Bobbi Raffin. You are Loved by the Beloved!!

  • Michelle… I DO Hear You!! 🙂 From New York all the way to Oregon…I hear you. THANK YOU! I love you too – it is so amazing how friendships can form over the internet. We are all daughters of the KING. What a FREEING experience indeed!

  • Really amazing Bobbi. It is so very difficult to write when you know so many will see, and you have done it! This story is so powerful because of who you are now as compared to what that horrible night tricked you into becoming. I am cheering for you too sweet sister! You are a beautiful, redeemed child of a King – a Princess!

  • “The rape and after-affects is not who I am.” This is me. I still struggle with not letting the abuse I suffered (for years) allow me to not be who God wants me to be. Thank you for your redeeming story. My heart is touched my friend.

  • Thank you Michelle – It is – it was… It’s becoming easier though the more I do it. A cringe of fear tries to take hold still, but it is replaced by the Lord saying to me, “This is bigger and goes a lot deeper than that.” Telling me He has a reason for my sharing. So I will continue as I’m led. 🙂 and truly – thank you again so much!!! *heart you*

  • Oh Tina… The wounds of the past are so difficult. I am so sorry that happened to you! I love you! God is taking that wound and using it to restore another wounded person. So blessed to be on this journey with you. Praying for you my friend!!

  • Your voice truly moved me to tears, Bobbi. You are beautiful, you are loved, yes, you are redeemed!!

  • Bobbi,

    Tears are falling down my cheeks as I read this. Well done good and faithful servant. You are sharing things that most women have experienced and I commend you for digging so deep and exposing those raw places. So beautiful.

  • Bobbi – your heart and mine know one another so well. The tough facade on a truly strong woman, and yet our heart soften for our children and we are changed forever. Bless you for your open sharing, and thank you for your courage.

  • Ahhh ~ Cheryl, Sarah, and Shanyns – Thank you so much!! You are so encouraging and I so appreciate each one of you.

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